A band plays Hail to the Chief Warmonger in the world. The television screen changes to reveal the features of the President of the United States of Moronica George W Moron, who looks uncertainly at a spot which appears to be thin air and begins to speak:
Mah fellow Moronicans, Ah am speaking ter yah all fur the last time as yur president. Some evil thinking’ folks are sayin’ mah presidency has bin nothing’ but trouble fur the United States of Moronica, thet Ah am the worstest president thet thare’s ever bin. Dick Cheney sez thet’s the exact opposite of the truth an’ Ah’ve bin the bestest president thare’s ever bin , jest laik he’d bin the bestest Veep thare’s ever bin.
Ah asked Dick if Ah am the bestest president thare’s ever bin why ur so many folks are sayin’ Ah’m the worstest. Dick sez it’s ‘cos thare’s a powerful number of folks in Moronica who ain’t patriotic and ain’t git the best interests of Moronica at heart, not laik me an’ Dick heve. Ah asked why such folks weren’t in prison fur treason an’ Dick sez they should be if thare wuz any justice in the world, but it weren‘t always easy tur heve justice. . Anyways, Dick sez thet history will judge mah presidency at its true worth. Ah don’t know one called History an’ I didn’t laik tur seem ignorant by askin’ Dick who they wuz, but Ah jest felt I had tur know in case one of them folks in the media ask me an’ I look real foolish not knowin‘, jest laik they made me look real foolish ever since I ran fur president the first taim.
Anyways, Ah asked Dick who this History wuz and why his opinion would be real important. It must heve bin a real difficult question ‘cos Dick gave me a angry look which wuz the angriest Ah’ve ever seen on him.. Then Dick stopped looking’ real angry all of a sudden an’ his shoulders slumped and his head went down. After a minute or two, Dick raises his head an’ he’s gut this kinda resigned smile on his face laik you’ve never seen afore. Then he sez “If anyone asks you about history, jest say thet you will leave it two history tur judge an’ it wouldn’t be fittin’ fur you to say whut history should be sayin’. No need tur say who history is or why history’s opinion is real important. Those folks in the media will only start houndin’ him an’ yur know whut thet’s laik.” I truly do know whut that’s laik, so I promised on mah honor as a Moron thet I would nut ask agin ‘cos if Ah didn‘t know, Mr History would be safe frum the folks in the media. . .
Anyways, Ah’ve asked the folks who heve bin doin’ things fur me since I wuz president how they think things heve gone over the past eight years. Dick sez thet we heve left the economy in a real good state. I wuz a bit confused by thet ‘cos jest recently we’ve bin givin’ a heap of tax dollars tur banks and the laik. We’ve even pushed out the dough tur the big motor companies. Ah asked Dick why we wuz doin’ this when they wuz private companies ’cos Dick hed always said thet it was only commies whut did things laik thet. Dick goes real red in the face an’ sez these wuz special times an’ needed special measures an’ thet it wuz all ’bout makin’ sure the market wasn’t taken over by the commies.
Ah asked how they wuz special an’ Dick started shoutin’ at me something fearful. He sed I weren’t tur go botherin’ ‘bout things which I didn’t need tur bother ‘bout. Then he calmed down a bit an’ told me thet the money wuz goin’ tur folks thet supported everythin’ I believed in an’ who paid fur mah campaigns an’ the laik an’ thet made it special ‘cos they wuz all patriots an’ would only use the money tur do whut wuz best fur Moronica. But Ah wuz still puzzled by one thing , if we wuz doin’ the same thing as the commies did why ain’t t we commies? Ah asked Dick this an’ he went real red again then he sez it’s real simple, we’re capitalists an’ thare commies. Jest hold onter thet. When Dick made it real simple laik thet I could understand real well. I guess economics is made mech too complicated by them college professors an’; I suggested tur Dick thet he wrote a book explainin’ it real simple laik an’ sent to the professors so they could explain it real simple in future. Dick gave me a real strange look but didn’t say nothin’.
Ah still couldn’t git mah head round the idea why they needed folks’ tax dollars ‘cos Dick had always sed they wuz real bright an’ knew how tur make any amount o’ money. So I asked Dick why they needed tax dollars when they could make their own money an’ he got even redder before he sez thet he caint’t tell me ‘cos it might mean thet terrorists would git tur know an’ thet could put all the folks in Moronica in danger. Once Ah knew it wuz a matter o’ security ‘course Ah shut mah mouth.
Dick sez the War on Terror ain’t wun yet an’ probably never wull be. But Dick’s real confident thet all the steps Ah’ve taken laik the Patriot Act heve made Moronica much safer than it wuz before. Dick sez thet the folks who say Ah have taken away a pile o’ freedoms thet Moronicans heve always enjoyed don’t understand whut needs tur be done now thet Moronica is under constant attack ‘cos of 911. Dick sez thet by takin’ away freedoms ourselves meant thet the terrorist couldn’t take them away an‘ thet meant the terrorists wuz left with nothing‘ tur take. Dick sez we shot thare fox, whatever thet means. Anyways, anyone should be able tur understand thet if the freedoms ain‘t thare anymore them terrorists cain’t git at them.
Some folks is still goin’ on ‘bout the way New Orleans is years after it wuz hit by a real big wind. Dick sez this is jest evil speakin’ folk makin’ a fuss over nothing’ an’ thet anyways hardly any of them voted the raight way so they weren’t of no account an’’ might well be holdin’ treason in thare hearts. Anyways, Dick sez thet at only a quarter of the folks heve returned tur New Orleans which jest shows they weren’t real fond o’ the place tur start with.
Condi Rice tells me thet mah foreign policy hes bin real successful. The good ol’ US of M heve brought peace an’ democracy tur I-raq and Afghanistanistan…er… I an’t quite sure whut thet second wun’s called. ‘cos it’s so long. Anyways the I-raqans an’ the Afghanistanis ain’t git tur bother ‘bout Sodamn Insane and the Talibanistas anymore ‘cos we hanged Sodamn an’ heve run the Talibanistas outer most of Afghanistaistan ….damn, Ah never cain git thet name right. Condi sez thet they ‘re on the run so bad they cain’t git any further than the outskirts of Kabul an‘ thet the president of Afghanistania …someone with a real funny name Ah think it’s Humid Khazi .. . ‘cos of the Moronican troops who guard him. hez complete control of the presidential palace, raight up to the walls of the grounds around it. When yur think how them Talibanistas wuz controlling’ all of Kabul afore we liberated the country thet shows how much progress we’ve made in only seven years.
Ah’m more than a mite surprised thet Ah’m nut goin’ tur be president any more ‘cos Ah heve a strong recall of Dick sayin’ a year or so back thet Ah wasn’t tur worry ‘bout the Constitution nut allowin’ a president tur heve more than two terms ‘cos if a president wuz as fine as Ah am and an emergency came along it would be possible tur use a Presidential Order tur declare mahself president fur life an‘ git the military on mah side tur make sure thet Ah wuz president fur life. . Ah asked Dick why we hadn’t done whut he said and Dick jest looked kinda tired an’ said thet important folks had decided it weren’t the best way forward, but thet Ah wasn’t tur worry ‘cos the new president wuz already on the payroll. Ah asked Dick who the important folks were an’ whut payroll the new president wuz on an’ whether it wuz a bigger payroll than I wuz on. Dick looked even more tired then picked his spirits up and laughed an’ laughed an’ laughed. When he hed finished Ah asked him tur tell me the joke ‘cos Ah jest love jpokes, but he said it wuz a private wun an’ I wouldn’t understand . With thet he went outer the room an’ Ah still don’t know who the important folks are or which payroll the next president’s on.
Ah must confess Ah’m real puzzled by who’s goin’ tur replace me. Ah thought the Constitution said only white folks could be president, but somehow everone’s sayin’ thet Ah’m goin’ tur be replaced by someone who’s the same shade as Condi an’ is called Osama bin Ladin. I mentioned tur Condi thet we wuz supposed tur be huntin’ down Osama after Ah’d put up a poster sayin’ we wunted him dead or alive an’ whut Hell wuz the FBI doin’ letting’ him run fur president? Condi had a real big coughin’ fit fore she replied an’ I had to slap her back. Then she sez with tears in her eyes thet the best way tur keep Osama observation wuz if he is president. Ah objected thet he could do a heap of damage if he wuz president laik stopping’ us attackin’ foreign folks thet wunted us all dead. Before Condi could say anything’ more Dick spoke up an’ said thet he wuz goin’ tur tell me something’ real important an’ I mustn’t tell anyone else ‘bout it ‘cos it wuz all tur do with security. Ah said as it’s tur do with security wild horses wouldn’t drag outer me, not even wild mustangs laik Ah’ve seen in all those cowboy movies. The Dick sez Osama is a Moronican agent an’ he has been allowed to become president to make all them A-rabs and the laik think thet Musliminism er…er.. is ‘bout tur take over Moronica an’ if they believe thet then the US of M won’t be in any danger of another 911. Thet put my mind at rest real good and I went tur sleep thet night feelin’ real proud of my country fur hevin’ real bright folks tur think up sech things tur keep Moronica safe.
Anyways, the movin’ words heve stopped an’ Dick sez thet once they stop this taim I don’t heve tur ever watch them go round agin. I asked Dick why thet wuz ‘cos folks who hed bin president always seemed tur go round everyplace makin’ speeches laik thare’s no tomorrow an’ if I wuz to be laik them I’d need the movin’ words ‘cos thare ain’t no way I could say all them words out o’ mah head. Dick sez thet ‘cos Ah’m sech a great president it wouldn’t be fittin’ fur me tur round specifying’ after I wasn’t president no more ‘cos thet’d be beneath mah dignity, detractin‘ frum mah oratorical greatness as a president Dick called it, whatever thet means. Dick always seems tur know best so thet’s why you won’t be hearing’ frum me no more, although Dick sez that in the place Ah’m goin’ Ah cain speechify as much as I want ‘cos thare ain’t no danger of the public hearin’ me. Ah asked Dick whut the place wuz called an’ he said it wuz something called a sanitorium where folks could go fur a real long rest after they’d bin working’ real hard. Don’t know whut the name sanitorium means but Ah guess it is wun o’ those fancy two-dollar foreign names. Ah asked Diuck how long Ah’d be thare an’ Dick sez Ah weren’t tur worry ‘bout thet raight now an’ thet time would show how long Ah needed tur rest. Dick sez it might even be fur the rest of mah life…..
At this point the microphone dies and several burly men in white coats are seen hustling George W away as the band plays the The Rights Mangled Banner.