George W. Bush: A Farewell from Robert Henderson

A band plays  Hail to the Chief  Warmonger in the world. The television screen  changes to reveal   the features of the President of the United States of Moronica George W  Moron,  who looks  uncertainly at  a spot which appears to be thin air and begins to speak:


Mah fellow Moronicans,  Ah am speaking ter yah all fur the last time as yur president. Some evil  thinking’ folks are sayin’ mah presidency has bin   nothing’ but trouble fur the United States of  Moronica, thet Ah am the worstest president thet thare’s ever bin. Dick Cheney sez thet’s the exact  opposite of the truth an’ Ah’ve bin  the bestest president thare’s ever bin , jest laik he’d bin the  bestest Veep thare’s ever bin.


Ah asked Dick if  Ah  am the bestest president thare’s ever bin why ur so many folks are sayin’   Ah’m  the worstest.  Dick sez it’s ‘cos thare’s a powerful number of folks in Moronica who ain’t  patriotic and ain’t git the best interests of Moronica at heart,  not laik   me an’ Dick heve.  Ah asked  why such folks weren’t in prison fur treason an’ Dick sez they should be  if  thare wuz any justice in  the world, but it weren‘t always easy tur heve justice. . Anyways, Dick sez thet history will judge  mah presidency at its true worth.  Ah don’t know one called History  an’ I  didn’t laik tur seem  ignorant by askin’ Dick who they wuz, but Ah jest felt I had tur  know in case one of them folks in  the media  ask me an’ I look real foolish not knowin‘, jest laik they made me look real foolish ever  since I ran fur president the first taim.


Anyways,  Ah asked Dick who  this History wuz and why his opinion would be  real important.  It  must heve  bin a real difficult question  ‘cos Dick gave me a  angry look  which wuz the angriest  Ah’ve ever seen on him.. Then Dick stopped looking’ real angry all of a sudden an’  his shoulders  slumped and his head went down.  After a minute or two, Dick raises his head an’ he’s gut  this  kinda resigned smile on his face laik you’ve never seen afore.  Then he sez “If anyone asks you  about history, jest  say  thet  you will leave it two history tur judge an’ it wouldn’t be fittin’ fur you to   say whut history should be sayin’. No need tur say who history is or why  history’s opinion is real  important. Those folks in the media  will only start houndin’ him an’ yur know whut  thet’s laik.” I  truly do know whut that’s laik, so I promised  on mah  honor  as a  Moron  thet  I would nut ask agin  ‘cos if Ah didn‘t know,  Mr History would be safe frum the folks in the media. . .


Anyways,  Ah’ve asked  the folks who heve bin  doin’ things fur me since I wuz president how they  think things heve gone over the past eight years. Dick sez  thet  we heve left the economy in a real   good state. I wuz a bit confused by thet ‘cos   jest recently we’ve bin givin’ a heap of tax dollars tur   banks and the laik. We’ve even pushed  out the dough tur  the big motor companies. Ah  asked  Dick why we wuz doin’ this when they wuz private companies  ’cos  Dick hed always  said thet it  was only  commies whut did things laik thet. Dick goes real red in the face an’ sez these wuz  special  times an’ needed special  measures an’ thet it wuz all ’bout makin’ sure the market wasn’t  taken over by the commies.


Ah asked how they wuz special an’ Dick started shoutin’ at me something fearful. He sed I weren’t  tur go botherin’ ‘bout things which  I didn’t need tur bother ‘bout.  Then he calmed down a bit an’ told  me thet the money wuz goin’ tur folks thet  supported everythin’ I believed in an’ who paid fur mah  campaigns an’ the laik an’ thet made it special ‘cos they wuz all patriots an’ would only use the  money  tur do whut wuz best fur Moronica.   But Ah wuz still puzzled by one thing ,  if we wuz doin’  the same thing as the commies did why ain’t t we commies?  Ah asked Dick this an’  he went real  red again then he sez it’s  real simple, we’re capitalists an’ thare commies. Jest hold onter thet.   When Dick made it real simple laik thet I could understand real well. I guess economics is made  mech too complicated by them college professors  an’; I suggested tur Dick thet he wrote a book  explainin’ it real simple laik an’ sent to the professors so they could explain it real simple in future.  Dick gave me a real strange look but  didn’t say  nothin’.


Ah still couldn’t git mah head round the idea  why they needed folks’ tax dollars  ‘cos Dick had  always sed they wuz real bright an’ knew how tur make any amount o’ money.  So I asked Dick  why they needed tax dollars when they could make their own money an’ he got  even redder before  he  sez thet he caint’t tell me ‘cos it  might mean thet terrorists would  git tur know an’ thet could  put all the folks in Moronica  in danger. Once Ah knew it wuz  a matter o’ security ‘course Ah shut   mah mouth.


Dick sez the War on Terror ain’t wun yet  an’ probably never wull be. But Dick’s real confident thet  all the  steps Ah’ve taken laik the Patriot Act  heve made Moronica much safer than it wuz before.  Dick sez thet  the  folks who  say  Ah have taken away a  pile o’ freedoms thet Moronicans heve  always enjoyed don’t understand  whut needs tur be done now thet Moronica is  under constant  attack  ‘cos of 911. Dick sez thet by  takin’ away freedoms ourselves  meant thet the terrorist  couldn’t take them away  an‘ thet meant the terrorists wuz  left with nothing‘ tur take. Dick sez we  shot thare fox, whatever thet means.  Anyways, anyone should be able tur  understand thet if the  freedoms ain‘t thare anymore  them terrorists cain’t git at them.


Some folks is still goin’ on ‘bout  the way New Orleans is years after it wuz hit by a  real big wind.  Dick sez this is jest evil speakin’ folk makin’ a fuss over nothing’ an’ thet anyways hardly any of  them voted the raight way so they weren’t of no account an’’ might well be holdin’ treason in thare  hearts.  Anyways, Dick sez thet at only  a quarter of the folks heve returned tur New Orleans which  jest shows they weren’t real fond o’ the place tur start with.


Condi Rice tells me thet  mah foreign policy hes bin real successful. The good ol’ US of M  heve  brought peace an’ democracy tur  I-raq and Afghanistanistan…er…  I an’t quite sure whut thet  second wun’s called. ‘cos it’s so long. Anyways the  I-raqans an’ the Afghanistanis    ain’t git tur  bother ‘bout  Sodamn Insane and the Talibanistas  anymore ‘cos we hanged Sodamn an’ heve run   the Talibanistas  outer most of Afghanistaistan ….damn, Ah never cain git thet name right. Condi  sez thet they ‘re  on the run so bad they cain’t git any further than the outskirts of Kabul an‘ thet the  president of Afghanistania …someone with a real funny name   Ah think it’s Humid Khazi .. . ‘cos of  the Moronican troops who guard him. hez  complete control of the presidential palace, raight up to  the walls of the grounds around it.    When yur think how them Talibanistas  wuz controlling’ all of  Kabul afore we liberated the country thet shows how much progress we’ve made in only seven  years.


Ah’m more than a  mite  surprised thet Ah’m  nut goin’ tur be president any  more ‘cos  Ah heve a  strong recall of Dick sayin’  a year or so back thet  Ah wasn’t tur worry ‘bout  the Constitution nut  allowin’ a president tur heve more than two terms ‘cos  if a president wuz as fine as Ah am and an  emergency came along it would be possible tur  use a Presidential Order tur declare mahself  president fur life an‘ git the military on mah side tur make sure thet  Ah wuz president fur life. . Ah  asked Dick why we hadn’t done  whut he said and Dick jest looked kinda tired an’ said thet   important folks had decided it weren’t the best way forward, but thet Ah wasn’t tur worry ‘cos the  new president  wuz already on the payroll.  Ah asked Dick who the important folks were an’ whut  payroll the new president wuz on an’ whether it wuz a  bigger payroll than I wuz on. Dick looked  even more tired then picked his spirits up and laughed an’ laughed an’ laughed. When he hed  finished Ah asked him tur tell me the joke ‘cos Ah jest love jpokes, but he said it wuz a private wun  an’ I wouldn’t understand . With thet he went outer the room an’  Ah still don’t know who the  important folks are or which payroll the next president’s on.


Ah must confess Ah’m real puzzled by  who’s goin’ tur  replace me. Ah thought the Constitution  said only white folks could be president, but somehow everone’s sayin’ thet  Ah’m goin’ tur be  replaced by someone who’s the same shade as Condi an’ is called   Osama  bin Ladin.  I  mentioned tur Condi thet we wuz supposed tur be huntin’ down Osama after Ah’d put up a poster  sayin’ we wunted him dead or alive an’ whut Hell wuz  the FBI doin’ letting’ him run fur president?  Condi had a real big coughin’ fit fore she replied an’ I had to slap her back. Then she sez with tears  in her eyes thet  the best way tur keep Osama observation wuz if he is president. Ah objected thet  he could do a heap of damage if he wuz president laik stopping’ us attackin’ foreign folks thet  wunted us all dead. Before Condi could say anything’ more Dick spoke up  an’ said thet  he  wuz  goin’ tur tell me something’ real important an’ I mustn’t tell anyone else ‘bout it ‘cos it wuz all tur do  with security.  Ah said as it’s tur do with security wild horses wouldn’t drag outer me, not even wild  mustangs laik Ah’ve seen in all those cowboy movies. The Dick sez Osama is a Moronican agent   an’ he has been  allowed to become president  to make all them A-rabs and the laik  think  thet  Musliminism er…er.. is ‘bout tur take over Moronica an’ if they believe thet then  the US of M won’t  be in any danger of  another 911. Thet put my mind at rest real good and I went tur sleep thet night  feelin’ real proud of my country  fur hevin’ real bright folks tur think up sech things tur keep Moronica  safe.


Anyways, the movin’ words heve stopped an’ Dick sez thet once they stop this taim I don’t heve tur  ever watch them go round agin. I asked Dick why thet wuz ‘cos folks who hed bin president  always  seemed  tur go round everyplace makin’ speeches  laik thare’s no tomorrow an’ if I wuz to be laik  them I’d need the movin’ words ‘cos thare ain’t no way I could say all them words out o’ mah head.  Dick sez thet ‘cos Ah’m sech a great president it wouldn’t be fittin’ fur me tur round specifying’ after  I wasn’t president no more ‘cos thet’d be beneath mah dignity, detractin‘ frum mah oratorical  greatness as a president Dick called it, whatever thet means.  Dick always seems tur know best so   thet’s why you won’t be hearing’ frum me no more, although Dick sez that in the place Ah’m goin’  Ah cain  speechify as much as I want ‘cos thare ain’t no danger of  the public hearin’ me. Ah asked  Dick whut the place wuz called an’ he said it wuz something called a sanitorium  where folks could  go fur a real long rest after they’d bin working’ real hard. Don’t know whut the name sanitorium  means but  Ah guess it is wun o’ those  fancy two-dollar foreign names.  Ah asked Diuck how long  Ah’d be thare an’ Dick sez  Ah weren’t tur worry ‘bout thet raight now an’ thet time would show how  long Ah needed tur rest. Dick sez it might even be fur the rest of mah life…..


At this point  the microphone dies and several burly men in white coats are seen hustling  George  W away as the band plays the The Rights Mangled Banner.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s