How to tell a “local yokel” from a scumbag: six handy tips for Police


David Davis

It is reported that a “leaflet” has been issued for the benefit of the Police, about how to tell if a human person is a “legal shooter”. Here are some tips for the Glorious People’s-Armed-Police, metropolitan politicos who regard the countryside as a theme-park peopled with cardboard characters, and for other Occupying Armies:-

(1) The “countryside” contains all sorts of humans not typically represented in the People’s Ecotowns of Young Britain, which is a Young Country of multicultural people living in harmony with Nature and the People’s Countryside which is a theme park. Some of these humans are caled “local yokels” or “local people” or also may be “Bankers” out for a day shooting small birds and animals which is a traditional “banking” past-time.

(1a) But sometimes, the “Countryside” also contains dangerous or irritating animals and birds which have to be discouraged and controlled, and sometimes killed with guns, and other useful quaint “Countryside-friendly” objects such as Potassium Cyanide, big sharp spades, gin-traps and snares. This is so that children and hard-working-families can buy local produce in season, for local people, at little shops and not at Tesco where everything has to be flown in from Peru.

(2) A human being with a “gun” is almost inevitably not dangerous: humans who wave knives do it in Young Britain’s People’s Ecotowns usually. They typically wave knives at humans, and display the normal shiny clothing of scumbags. Humans with “long thin guns” are almost always dressed in browns or dirty greens of matt reflectivity, and are pointing their “guns” at animals and birds not people. It is not considered polite among humans to point guns at people.

(3) You can easily spot a scumbag. His trousers are made of plastic and have two white stripes down the side, and are normally too long and tucked into two objects called “trainers” which look like a sort of plastic boot without the normal long top piece. Female scumbags wear all-over bright pink towelling pyjamas during the daytime. They can be confusing, because they do not usually have guns or knives, only phones held out as if for offering, in the right hand.

(4) If you get a report from a human about another human in a field or some bushes with a very long thin gun, ask the reporting human if he/she lives in “the countryside” him/herself, or inhabits a People’s Ecotown. If he/she does not live in “the countryside” or instead inhabits a People’s Ecotown, discount the report. If the reporting human does live in “the countryside” ask if the gun is a shotgun, a .22 rifle, a .303, an MP5, a Bren, an AK47 or a Barrett .5″, and what bird the shooter was aiming at and whether he/she brought it down.

(5) If it is carrying or using a long gun, it is almost certainly not a scumbag but a human: see (6) below for clarification.

(6) If you point your MP5 at a “local” “human” dressed as described, shouting “ARMED POLICE!!” then he/she will drop the “gun” and put his/her hands up. If on the other had it really is a scumbag, it will turn to face you with its gun (unlikely as it does not normally carry one, and certainly not a long one) pointed rather absently and indefinitely at or near you, an will say “Yer-wha’?” or “Pardon?” or something similar.

So you will always be able to tell the difference before having to open fire.

Observe Health and Safety Best Practice!

Always check first!

I may think of more during the day…

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