If you’re generally a busy bumblebee like I am, you don’t have time to sit around all day socially constructing things. Thus, I am so glad that there are volunteers who do this work for me—and at no charge to boot! Merely keeping up with the latest culturally acceptable semantic terms is a full-time job in itself, and I am truly grateful there are people out there who tell me what to say and how to think. I am also in awe of their ability to make shit up while believing it’s true. Hats off to them—and I say that as a man who owns about twenty hats.
So for those of you who are far more socially conscious than I am, please be patient with me, because I’m just trying to keep up here—at least as I’ve been led to understand it, according to the latest science from The Global Science Foundation or whatever it’s called—homosexuality is genetically hardwired, but race and gender are only ideas, right? Is that the latest science? Got it. Bookmarked and filed. I will pick that, lick that, stick that, and flick that.
In other words, gay people can’t help it. That explains a lot.
But I’m so glad that science has proved that gender and race are simply dumb myths concocted by capitalist robber barons to keep us all angry at one another rather than working together to raise the minimum wage at Burger King.
These last few years have been a glitter-spackled, fuchsia-tinted explosion of progress as the mighty transgendered have finally received respect and official protection in society now that we all realize that they are actually—scientifically and medically and socially and everything—women living in men’s bodies rather than sad and maladjusted delusional crazy people who are hacking themselves to pieces while chasing a dream. I am SO glad that’s out of the way.
But as always, my allies and comrades and fellow travelers, there is more work for us to do. I know that it seems like there’s always more work for us to do, but if we didn’t have that work, then we wouldn’t be “us,” now, would we? And it’s not as if any of us are working, anyway.
We’ve made tremendous progress with destroying, defaming, and defiling the very notion of gender. For that, I give you two thumbs up. But we have a long, long, LONG way to go when it comes to race. Since we’ve successfully swung our unforgiving ball-peen hammers at the false idea that gender is real, let’s swing ’em around at the eternal fiction that is “race.” As everyone who has, like, read a book knows, “race” is a really bad and harmful idea that you should mentally electroshock out of your head the moment it dares to creep inside your skull.
Race is only an idea. It doesn’t exist in the real world. So if you get the idea that you belong to another race, you should run with that idea. Even if you’re obviously more ginger than a frosty bottle of ginger ale, you can be as black or brown or red or yellow as you want. It’s objectively no more true or false than the idea that you’re “white,” even though that’s what black people at the subway station are always calling you late at night when they’re surrounding you and asking for money. They may seem a little gruff to you, but you don’t realize that they are only showing you the hate that hate created, so it’s not really hate at all—it’s more like revolutionary love.
But if race and gender are mere social constructs, and since we as a society already celebrate the fact that you can be whatever gender you wish to be, the same should apply for your “race.” As they say, what’s good for the goose is good for the gender.
So to all the transgendered out there—and believe me, I celebrate you, I do—please scooch over and make a little room on your Rainbow Bus for the “transracial,” AKA the “transethnic.” When perusing those links, skip over all the entries about adoptions. I’m talking about a totally different phenomenon here—in the same way that trannies…sorry, transsexuals…sorry, the transgendered—believe they are women in men’s bodies, the transracial and transethnic identify with a race and/or culture other than their own.
And who could argue? If gender is only a malleable, elastic, easily reshaped and redefined idea, shouldn’t the same concept apply to race? If someone can truly change their gender, why can’t they switch races, too?
By the same token, here are the results of my DNA test. Even though it says I am overwhelmingly of Northern European extraction, it doesn’t mean that I enjoy lutefisk and clogging and scented candles like most Northern Europeans do. Therefore, these tests are highly unscientific.
Since race is merely an idea—a pinch of invisible magical dust held lightly between the thumb and forefinger—I can close my eyes, wiggle my nose, click my heels, and reconstruct myself as a black man of pure dark-chocolate 100% swampy sub-Saharan ancestry, and I don’t care if you like it or not. No, actually, I do care if you like it—in other words, I will MAKE you like it. And since none of you will be able to find my black parents, I will also register as an orphan, depending on whether I qualify for government assistance based on that status. I would think that being a poor black orphan would be worth—what?—at least $500 combined monthly from local agencies and President Obama’s personal stash? I can be whatever I want to be, and you can’t stop me, and that’s my right, and I’ll take it all the way to the Supreme Court, so don’t push me, or I will call you a hater and get you fired from your job.
We live in a new world where technology enables you to be anyone you can afford to be. If I can get my health insurance to cover it, I will gladly keep switching races so long as it helps me work my hustle. I will choose to be whatever race is most socially and financially advantageous for me at any given time. Even if I have to be a Filipino, I suppose I could handle it. Armenian would be really pushing it. But otherwise, I’m cool. And no Asian. Or Mexican.
On second thought, I’ll just stay white
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