MORE BREAKING NEWS: England on Brink of Civil War as, with a Bound, Lord Protector Gabb is Free
LA News: Following his daring escape from custody, Lord Protector Gabb has taken swift action to restore his authority. Sentences of death, and then arrest warrants, have been issued against what he calls “The Gang of Three” – Martland, Kersey and Linley. “I’ll think of a fourth member after dinner,” he said from his provisional headquarters in a bunker beneath Deal Castle.
Pressed on whether this violated the non-aggression principle, he added: “Since they violated their oath to love, honour and obey me, the traitors have given their informed consent to being shot. This is a matter of freedom of association between consenting adults. I have never held Keir Martland’s youth against him, and he can hardly complain if my position is now unaltered.”
Asked who else he thought was responsible for the attempted coup, Lord Protector Gabb closed his eyes and responded: “I blame the Americans. My patience is at an end. There will be no second Suez.” Since the election of President Kinsella, there have been four such Misesean-Rothbardian coups, with Sebastian Ortiz proclaimed Head of State of Costa Rica just six weeks ago. It is, however, known that Lord Protector Gabb has some international support, notably from the Czech and Slovak premiers and from the President of the European Council.
In a fiery sermon, the Bishop of Deal has offered a plenary indulgence to whoever takes up arms in defence of “Our Local Lad.” Elite units of the Deal Conservation Society have been sighted in a convoy of buses on the M6. Their orders may include burning every council estate in the North West of England, together with smashing every illuminated shop sign. In what is said to be an ominous development, they have unplugged their hearing aids.
Stop Press: The North Korean Ambassador claims to have brokered a deal between the warring factions to maintain the blockade of London. The former capital has now been 360 days without food or electricity. On Sunday morning, another 20,000 emaciated bodies were counted in the Thames as they drifted past Gravesend.
Stop Press: Still deep beneath Deal Castle, Lord Protector Gabb has issued this statement on the nuclear bombing of Stockholm: “For the avoidance of doubt, I will call this a most unfortunate occurrence. At the same time, we must not forget how my friend Richard Blake has not been awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature. As said, this was a most unfortunate occurrence, but neither unexpected nor wholly unjustified.”
Stop Press: Kevin Carson and David Davis are reportedly en route to Bratislava.
Stop Press: After three hours of contemplating his face in a mirror, Lord Protector Gabb has announced a Union between Islam, Judaism and the Anglican Church, and proclaimed himself Caliph and Messiah. The College of Heralds has been instructed to produce a suitable coat of arms for the new coinage. Sources indicate Doctorissimo Gabb’s further intention to revise the Thirty Nine Articles to include an endorsement of the Monothelite position on the singular will of Christ. The Israeli and Iranian Governments are in urgent discussions with the Pope on a joint declaration.
Stop Press: Lord Lieutenant Hoppe has postponed his visit to England until it has stopped raining in Wigan.